If only
by Michelle285
Summary: My fist Body of Proof fic. Megan thinks about Peter and what could've happened.


_ Disclaimer: I own nothing. And never will. _

_ A/N: So, I have wanted to write something about Peter for ages now. I'm so upset that the show killed him! I liked him a lot and I think Megan and Peter could've had something going on after Dani was out of the picture. This is late, but its right after Tommy tricked Megan into their restaurant "date." Anyway, my first and last shot at a Body of Proof fic, I hope you enjoy! _

Megan forced herself to do it. She walked over to the window facing the balcony. She put her hand on the door, but decided she just couldn't go out there. Not yet. Not now.

Her eyes panned the expanse of the balcony and then focused on the ground. They didn't just focus on concrete though. The part of the ground she stared at wasn't gray. It was colored with faded red. Peter's blood. She swallowed and compelled her eyes not to stray from that spot.

Megan wondered why she was torturing herself. At the same time though, she knew why she was doing it. She was feeling guilty. The guilt wasn't over getting Peter killed, though that had made its share of appearances as well. The guilt she felt spawned from the events of last night. The "date" with Tommy.

Stupid was something Megan wasn't. She was the most sought after M.E. in Philadelphia and she didn't reach that status by being dumb. She knew Tommy came here in the hopes that he would see her, no matter how much he may deny it. She also knew last night was a date, even though he got her to go with him under different pretenses.

As she continued to stare at Peter's blood, she felt guilt rush through her again. Megan wondered why she never went out on a date with Peter. He had never used the word "date," but there were many times that she could have said yes to an invitation and taken it as a date. There were many times that they could have gone out to eat after a late night in the office. There were many times they drove together to a scene or to get Lacey from her riding lessons and those could have ended or began in dates. Yet, Megan refused everything. She never said yes to any of Peter's invitations, she never took it upon herself to ask Peter out and she always came up with a clever explanation to cut their time short when they went somewhere together. She had to get Lacey home, she had to get back to the morgue, oh yes, there were a plethora of excuses.

She always refused Peter, but she had no qualms about going with Tommy last night. When Megan had finally realized what she was doing, she used the reservations Tommy made as ammunition. It did tick her off that Tommy had these plans all along but she could have easily stayed. She didn't though. She screamed, yelled, made a scene and then walked out. Again, it was from her guilt.

Megan tilted her forehead until it rested on the cool glass. She let out a sigh and slightly smiled when her breath fogged up a spot on the clear surface. She remembered when she was little, she was fascinated by the condensation her breath made. She fogged up any clear surface she could and drew a smiley face in the fog. After her father died, she never did it anymore. She breathed out again and drew a face, but this one had a frown. It fit well with her mood.

Almost of their own accord, Megan's eyes closed. She pictured the short date with Tommy last night, but Tommy's face suddenly morphed into Peter's. She thought of everything she and Peter had done together, everything she and Peter _hadn't _done together. With Peter's face floating in her mind's eye she kept her eyes closed and let a few tears leak out.

-%

Lacey cheerfully waved to Curtis on the way to her mom's office. Passing the autopsy room, Lacey looked inside and sighed. It wasn't completely dark, but no one was in there and it looked creepier than it ever had before. A year ago, she had no problems stepping in there, even if it was deserted. She liked it best like that and she would bet anything that her mom had too. A year ago, her mom would be in there instead of in her office. A year ago, Peter was alive.

Outside Megan's office, Lacey stopped short. Her mom had her forehead leaning against the balcony door and she looked to be very upset. Lacey opened the door as quietly as she could and shut it even quieter. Seeing the tears on her mom's cheeks she pushed down her anger at Peter. She knew she had no reason to be angry at Peter, if it wasn't for him her mom wouldn't be alive right now. Still though, she was so angry that he went and died on them. He made her mom happier than she had ever been after the accident. Peter also talked to Lacey as an adult and didn't see her as just a little girl.

Lacey sighed and whispered, "Mom."

Megan jumped and whirled around. She quickly reached up to wipe her tears but knew it was useless. Lacey had seen and was going to lecture her. Still though, Megan would be able to be stronger if tears weren't lingering on her cheeks. "Lacey! What are you doing here?"

Lacey sighed and ignored the question. "Mom, you really have to talk to somebody."

"Lacey—"

"No, Mom, it's not fair!" Lacey interrupted. "You made me talk to a therapist after my kidnapping and you make me keep going. How come I have to go and talk to someone after a traumatic event and you don't?"

"I'm the mom," Megan said simply.

"So, if Grandma told you to go see someone you would?" Lacey asked. She knew that wouldn't work. Still though, she decided to see what Megan would say to that one.

Megan chuckled. "Honey, I'm not fourteen."

"You're obviously upset about Peter," Lacey pointed out. "It's not going to get any better unless you talk about it."

"I'm fine," Megan said almost too quickly.

Lacey groaned and walked out of Megan's office.

-%

Megan watched her daughter walk out of her office and toward the elevator. She sighed when Lacey didn't look back once. Megan knew Lacey was right. Megan knew she was upset about Peter's death and she knew it wouldn't get easier to deal with unless she talked to someone qualified. Just because she knew that didn't mean she wanted to do it. She had lots of practice holding in her grief and no practice sharing it. She didn't want to talk to someone who didn't know Peter, who didn't know _her_. She didn't want the person to tell her it might be better to change offices, to change jobs. Bud and Sam left and Megan didn't want to! She had already been told to leave her job as a neurosurgeon because of the aftereffects of her accident and if she didn't tell the stories of the dead…there weren't many options left.

Megan looked down at it. THE drawer. The one that held nothing but the picture. She didn't want to open it, yet she knew she couldn't keep it closed right now. She had only opened it one other time since she came back to work. She had taken the picture out and Lacey had caught her. Megan's fingers crept to the drawer as her eyes panned the floor through the glass of her office. When she was fairly certain no one would catch her, her fingers jerked the drawer open and her eyes snapped to the contents.

Letting out a less than steady breath at seeing the picture, Megan slowly calmed. She smiled noticing how happy everyone was in the picture. She never would have thought this picture would be the only thing she had left of Peter. She narrowed her eyes at her smile staring back at her from the picture. Everything was her fault after all. It was her fault Peter died and her fault that she was never able to explore her feelings.

Megan gasped. Explore her feelings? She slammed the drawer shut and held her palm against it as if it would pop open of its own accord. She didn't have feelings for Peter and Peter definitely never had feelings for her. Dani proved that very clearly. Megan remembered the one and only time she complained to Kate about Dani. Kate's words floated through Megan's head. _He's only dating Dani because he knows you'll never give him a chance_. She didn't hate Dani because Peter was dating her, did she?

Another sigh escaped. Megan ran her fingers through her hair and slowly opened the drawer again. This time she took the picture out and set it up on her desk directly in front of her. The more she stared at Peter the worse she felt. She became sure she had feelings for him and became sure that she would never be able to admit that if he was still alive.

Maybe if she hadn't gone out with Tommy last night she wouldn't be feeling like this today. Why did she go out with him? Suddenly, she knew. She had dated Tommy before. She hated it, Tommy cheated and she ended it. _That_ was why she never went out with Peter but didn't care to go with Tommy. She knew what was going to happen with Tommy. She was going to have fun but it would never be anything serious. With Peter, she knew what would happen too, but she didn't like what she knew. Peter would have made it serious right away and Megan would have loved every minute of it. She was sure she would have ruined the relationship though because she would have gotten scared. Megan shook her head at her stupidity.

She continued to stare at the picture, looking only at Peter. She traced down the side of his face with one tentative finger. There were so many things she wanted to say. She wanted to tell him that she regretting not accepting one of many invitations to date. She wanted to apologize for getting him killed. She squeezed her eyes shut, but she was only able to whisper six words. "Oh, Peter, I'm just…so sorry."

_I know it was sad and I know Megan was being uncharacteristically melancholy. We never did see her after Peter died though and I'm quite positive she loved him. Also, she won't talk to anyone and I'm quite sure that's going to come back to bite her at some point. Anyway, I hope you at least were entertained even if she isn't the kick-ass M.E. we love. Review and let me know please? Thanks for reading. _


End file.
